December 29th

It has been awhile since I have written but with the holidays and all it has been a bit crazy! I had a very eye opening day yesterday, we had to attend the wake of a close friend's dad who I met this year when he had surgery at MGH. They have a very unique last name so I knew they had to be related somehow, and lo and behold it was Scott's dad. He told me how much he adored Sean when Scott was growing up and Sean frequently went to their house on Christmas Eve. We heard about a week ago that Mr. G. was in a coma after having a really bad bout with pneumonia and my heart hurt for the family, 3 days before Christmas Mr. G. passed away. I strive to make a difference in my patients lives if only for a kind word and understanding as they are facing a stressful situation. At the wake yesterday when being introduced to Mrs. G. I told her how I knew Mr. G. and she said he spoke so kindly about me and how I made his experience that day easier. I wanted to cry, first for the hurt that they must be feeling and for myself that someone who was so scared was comforted by my mere presence. It's my goal to make these patients a little less scared and feel like they matter the most to me while I am with them. I feel like I accomplished that with Mr. G!

I also had dinner with Sean's family yesterday and had a great conversation with Rebecca and Aunt Kathleen who were aware of our struggles of trying to get pregnant. They were both so caring and supportive that it was incredible! Rebecca promised that "your child will be so loved by this family. They will always know how hard you tried and how badly you wanted them." I know every parent loves their kids to the death, but I think I will feel so connected to this baby because I have given my all to make it happen. I am in a good place right now, I have been around babies galore this holiday and was actually able to enjoy it for the first time in a long time. I feel now that people know what we are going through, they understand and sympathize with us instead of bothering us with questions like "are you guys planning on having kids?" I know that someday Rebecca will be my other sister in law, I have known that since the day I met her. She is so caring and wonderful to be around that I see that a friendship is blossoming into something wonderful.

To my friends, I wish you all a very happy and blessed 2009. You have all been my rock for the past year and I will never forget it. You have seen me through many tears this year but also through the rain the rainbow looms. I know this will be our year..I just feel it!

December 18th

My heart hurts today..deep down inside it. Nothing has happened but somedays it just hits me that we may never be able to do this..which feels so overwhelming sometimes. I feel as though I may never be completely happy ever.

December 17th

What a weird day for me this year, as I was already at this time lying all doped up in the ER with a badly mangled L ankle and preparing for the surgery to fix it. All I could think last year at this time was " I would have been xx months pregnant if I didn't miscarry in Sept" and this ankle break would have been so much more awful. Fast forward 1 year and still no baby, and an ankle that hurts when it's too cold or rainy outside. Life is crazy!

December 12th

All's well that ends well or so they say! Surgery yesterday went very well, the polyp was almost an inch long and kinda looked like a cocktail weenie to me. I have no pain and minimal bleeding since yesterday. I am nauseous, but I think that's from the heavy duty antibiotics they gave me for the h. pylori infection in my stomach. I am hoping this will be the answer to our infertility woes and that our cycle in January will bring us a baby in 2009! I love you guys and am eternally grateful for all your support!

December 10th

Surgery is tomorrow morning at around 9 am..and I'm finally getting a bit nervous when I think about it! I am hoping that this may provide some answers as to why this is taking so freaking long!!!!! I never in a million,trillion years thought it would take this long, but I will fight it like I have fought everything..to the end. I don't know what the next few months will bring..but I hope more cycles and eventually a lil Brennan to bring home. I love you all for listening to me lately..you mean the world to me!