August 11th

So, only a few more days until our beta for FET #1, and to be honest I am not feeling positive at all. I know the success rates for FET are not as high as for a fresh cycle, and if our fresh cycle didn't work with 2 near perfect embryos, then why would it work now? I am in bad need of a break from IF, and think if the news is negative on Friday, that I may take a 3 month break. It kills me to do it, but I am so close to having a nervous breakdown from all this stress that I think I NEED it. I said that when we started this journey that I would give BIVF, 2 fresh IVF cycles, and then consider a 2nd opinion. That would be either B&W or maybe Fertility Ceneters of New England which has an office in Dedham. I feel loyal to BIVF though, and hate the idea of maybe having to go through hoops agian getting all sorts of tests for another office, but we will see. For now, I am counting down the days til Friday! However, Kenney Chesney is this weekend, and who can be sad then? :)

August 4th

So, yesterday was quite a roller coaster of emotions which started at 5 am! As I placed my morning dose of Crinone, I realized that I had never taken the extra progesterone supplement that was in the fridge which I thought was supposed to be the night before the transfer. I was shaking in the shower and berating myself for forgetting something so important! I called BIVF and asked to have the MD call me back ASAP. Dr. B called back (whom I have never met) and without asking me any questions about the other meds I was on said "well, they are going to have to cancel your transfer this afternoon." Well that's all I needed to hear, I lost my mind! I cried all the way to work and any time someone looked at me at work.

I made the call to BIVF at 9 am, and demanded to speak with Dr. P, who I was told was in Maine for the week and transferred to Kathy the RN to leave a VM. I explained the situation, my conversation with Dr. B, and that I was so terrified that they had already thawed the embryos and that my cycle was to be cancelled! Of course, I called and cancelled my pre and post transfer acupuncture and was on the verge on tears and sick to my stomach for a few hours waiting for a call back from the office.

Just when I was about to call again, Kathy called back and alleviated all of my fears. She looked at my chart and said the reason no one had told me to take the other progesterone was because my P4 level on Friday was A-OK. She said that they were still planning on seeing me at 4 PM and to re-book my acupuncture appointment if I was still interested in doing it. Turns out that my silver lining for the day was that my 2 frosties made it through thaw, and one looked just as perfect as it was prior to freeze, the 6 cell embie was a bit more fragmented but Dr. R assured me that they expect to see a bit of a change in the embies but that the implantation quality they look at is what the embryos were prior to freezing. He was VERY happy with our thaw report and made both S and I so comfortable with the whole transfer procedure. If I didn't love Dr. P so much , I might think about changing RE's to see Dr. R since he made us laugh so much even in the midst of a very weird situation. I mean every time I am at the doctor's office now, I am always there with no pants on! How's that for weird!

I am firmly planted on the couch today, following my instructions to take it easy for the first 24 hours. Here is to sore boobs, unrelenting fatigue, and Lizzie going for a nice long vacation!

July 31st

So, the RE's office called and my lining check looked great at 8.42 mm. I had it somehow in my head it was supposed to be 8-9 mm, maybe someone said it at some point? My P4 level was low which is what they expected with giving me all the estrogen I have been taking. So the plan for now is start Crinone twice a day starting right today, continue with the Vivelle estrogen patch and when the operating room calls tomorrow with my transfer time, book my pre and post transfer acupuncture appointment. We have a total of 3 embies frozen, they will try to successfully thaw the 7 cell and the 6 cell. If for some reason 1 of those don't thaw well or become too fragmented then we will work on the last 6 cell embie. My hope is that the first two thaw well and that it will finally be my turn!!! Here's to a successful thaw, keep your fingers crossed please?

July 29th

So, we are well over a week into our first FET cycle, which Dr P is calling IVF #1A. I have an u/s and blood work on Friday to determine if my lining is sufficient and that I haven't mysteriously ovulated on my own. Donna the RN says that the estrace and vivelle patch should keep me from ovulating but as most of us know our bodies sometimes have a mind of their own. I have had next to no symptoms that I can pinpoint as being from the estrogen alone. I am feeling much better than I did the last couple of days prior to my ER last cycle. I am hoping for good news on Friday, which will make my proposed FET 8/3/09. A very good friend who is traveling the IVF route with me just got pregnant on a FET, so there is much hope for me. Also, our IVF follow up appt with Dr P went so well and even though I didn't get pregnant, they learned those last few pieces of information that we had been lacking this whole time. I am hoping for good news to announce in 2+ weeks!????

July 18th

Update on us:

We had a long talk with Dr Penzias on Thursday and decided to do a FET in between our waiting for next fresh IVF cycle. He didn't have a lot of insight as to why exactly this cycle didn't work, but says it gave them the rest of the information they really needed to know me inside and out. We would have to make take a break anyways for 1 cycle, so they FET fits in perfectly. We had 3 embies frozen, (a 7 cell and two 6 cells, all grade 3) so they will thaw the 7 and 6 cell and only thaw the other one if one of those didn't survive the thaw. I feel it's a whole lot better than taking a month of at this point, and my friend just got her BFP from her 1st FET. I started meds ( oral Estrace and Vivelle patch) until July 31st which they will do an u/s and bloods and tentative date for transfer is August 3rd provided lining looks good and I haven't ovulated in my own for some reason. Donna the RN said it's unlikely on the meds I am on, but it happened to me on one of my IUI cycle when on CD 8 my bloods showed I had already ovulated on my own. Poo to my body for being on fast forward...LOL

Here's to a popsicle baby in the Spring!!!

July 15th

No good news from the RE today, beta negative this morning. Not sure when my WTF appointment will be, so not sure of a start date for cycle #2. I am numb right now.

July 14th

So, tomorrow is beta day for IVF cycle #1. I have been having some early pregnancy type symptoms, but of course I know it could also just be the progesterone talking. I want so badly for this to have worked this cycle and maybe even be twins so I never have to go through this again! A very good friend who had her ET the day before mine got her positive this afternoon and I got a little teary eyed when I read her message. I kept hoping that even if this cycle doesn't work for me that she deserves this. This was her first FET, and it worked her beta was 112 which is right on target for a singleton. I am hoping the good news keeps coming for us and we can have babies to celebrate my 3rd wedding anniversary! Here's to a good night's sleep and good news tomorrow.

Although in the interest of being fair, even though hated taking all those IVF meds I would do another fresh cycle for sure before a FET. It's me just being negative but with only 3 embryos I want some extra to be sure we have another round of great looking embryos to transfer. Here's to NOT needing a FET!

July 4th

Happy egg transfer day to me! We had 15 embryos that fertilized and transferred an 8 cell grade 3 embie and a 7 cell grade 3. We had 3 that made it to freeze stage which I was hoping for more, but those all look good too per the embryologist. Sean and I chose that I would use pre/post transfer acupuncture right there at the Domar Center. My pre transfer appointment started with me on my stomach and the acupuncture spots she picked had to do with increasing blood flow to the uterus and the endometrial lining, along with a few spots for anxiety.

I didn't sleep good last night as I kept thinking maybe they would tell me this morning that my egg quality was not that good and it would be clear as to why we haven't gotten pregnant to this point. Luckily, that didn't happen and we are probably in that group of just unlucky souls. I am currently on bed rest for the rest of the day and Dr B. says the embies should implant in the next 2-6 days if this is going to be a successful cycle. I would love that, but decided that if not I still had a really good cycle.

My procedure went very well, minus the fact that I thought I might pee on the exam table since they want you to have a full bladder to better visualize the uterus. They said I had overfilled just a bit and weren't surprised that I felt like I might have an "accident". The whole procedure once it started was like 5 minutes, it's amazing that they could have just implanted my babies and only in 5 mins. What a wild journey this whole process has been!

Post transfer acupuncture was also very relaxing and she concentrated on blood flow to the uterus and just general energy well being. Towards the end of the session, I did start to get antsy and popped out 2 of my needles in my left ear. The acupuncturist didn't seem fazed at all, it must happen often enough that it's no big deal?

All in all it was a very good cycle, although crazy at times, and well worth it. I would love to not have to go through it again but will see this journey through til the end! That's how I roll after all!

July 2nd

So, I was a rock star yesterday! My ER was at 3:30 although luckily I could have fluids until 10:30 am. It didn't help with my IV's though as they had to poke me 3 times before they could get something in! But all in all they retrieved 27 eggs!! Holy cow! I am awaiting the fert. report now and will post the results later. I am on pins and needles!

Update: 15 out of the 27 fertilized with seemingly no problems! Keep going babies...that is a direct order from your Mommy!!!!!!!! We will see Saturday what the quality is and how many made it to frost!

June 30th

Well, tomorrow is my very first retrieval and I am getting nervous! This morning I had to get up at 3:30 am to give myself the trigger shot(kind of the last big boost of hormones before your ER). Yes 3:30 am!!! Nothing to eat after midnight tonight, and nothing other than clear liquids til 10:30 tomorrow morning then have to be at B IVF at 2:30 for a 3:30 procedure. It is not the anesthesia I am scared of at all, because I have had quite a few surgeries and I always do well. I am nervous that once they take these eggs out the answer will come out that my eggs are just bad quality and that's why we haven't gotten pregnant. Up until now, it has always been "well everything looks in order" but now it's all or nothing. This is the final piece of unknown info, my actual egg quality. It was nice last night to have no injections before bed, and not even so bad to get up in the middle of the night to take trigger. I will be grouchy tomorrow after no breakfast or lunch tho!!! More when I get the fert report on Thursday...wish me luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

June 24th

So, blood and u/s #1 for this cycle showed an E2 of 536 (which they said is good) and multiple follicles on each side with the biggest ones being a 12 mm one on each side with a "whole bunch of smaller ones right behind them." So we will add in the Ganarelix so I don't ovulate on my own and let them grow til Friday when we get checked again. I am hoping for a rockstar cycle as I tend to stim fast in my last 6 cycles. Maybe an ER late next week????

June 21st

I have been a bad blogger! We have been on a break since last IUI cycle and heading to IVF #1 and I actually didn't have much to say or do. Surprising huh?
So, this now is our first IVF cycle in full swing! Yesterday I had to go to B IVF for blood work to check my E2, HcG and something else since Lizzie hadn't yet shown her ugly face. I thought it was funny for them to even fathom that I could have gotten pregnant on our "break cycle" since I couldn't even get pregnant with all those meds and I was on the pill. All was low or negative so we got the go ahead to start injections. We are currently taking 300 iu of Bravelle mixed with 150 iu of Menopur until Wednesday when I have my first u/s and bloods drawn. Although I kicked and screamed about taking some time off in between the last IUI cycle and now it was much needed as I look back on it. I needed time to remember that S and I could be fun together instead of always stressed out and frazzled. We took a trip to San Diego for a work conference and for the most part had an amazing time! It was alot of stuff crammed into 4 days and with Lizzie on the horizon I was a bit on edge which I will now admit but wouldn't have then. I have my first bruise of many this cycle on my stomach, although I think I may have hit a little blood vessel or something with the needle.
I am a funny combination of scared shit less and excited that we are finally to the point that this could really work. We will see what Wednesdays lab say..will write more then.

May 11th

Yesterday was Mom's Day. This journey which I thought would be a short one has turned into the fight for my life. I never thought I would so desperately want something that seems unattainable most days. Everywhere we went yesterday, we were greeted with a "Happy Mother's Day" which seems harmless but tore the hole in my heart bigger every time. This journey eats u to your very core and makes you question every single decision I have ever made, like should I have had kids or tried to 10 years ago when I defiantly wasn't ready as maybe that was "my time". I am terrified at the thought of never seeing S. hold his baby in his arms and that I may never know the joy of a baby kicking and laughing because it feels like butterflies at first. I am back to crying more because with the switch to IVF I feel this is my last chance to do this, even though I know we still have a long way to go.

Anyhow, sorry for all the negativity as that is how I have been feeling lately! I actually came on to tell you about the one thing I had to look forward to on Mother's day which was our Secret Angel Exchange with the lovely ladies on thebump.com which I lurk in mostly but feel brave every once in awhile. This is a message board filled with some of the strongest women I have ever "met" who constantly offer support to others amidst their own search for motherhood. Tarah set it up and we all got an angel buddy and planned to open our packages on Mother's Day. It was amazing to know that someone who I have never met, thought about what we were going through and picked something while thinking of me..funnier yet her name is also Michelle! Anyhow, Michelle the Angel of Hope is a perfect addition to my ever growing Willow Tree Angel collection and something that will hopefully be my courage when I feel I have none. The ladies on the Bump, although I don't post much I feel as though I know many of you through your posts and stories and you are some of the most "real" women I know. Thank you for even letting me be a small part of your online group! That's my angel from Chelle is there up top...she is grogeous and thank you so much Michelle!

May 6th

Today is a weird day for me! It was my estimated due date for my pregnancy that ended in m/c in 9/07. I would have had a 1 year old today and that is really messing with my head today. It is not something to dwell on, but it still does make my heart ache just a little bit.

This morning we went and signed our consents for our first IVF cycle in June. I just never thought it would actually get to this point. I have a few good friends that are in the same place where we are and they have been an amazing source of support these last few months. They always call to check in with me and vice versa. I am glad I have friends who know exactly how I feel, although I wish none of us had to worry about follicles, retrievals and transfers but we do and the prize will be all that much sweeter in the end. I am excited and terrified at the same time to be moving on and will enjoy this well deserved break til we get home from San Diego in June when it becomes Operation Baby Brennan hard core! Thanks for listening to me ramble today!

April 30th

Ahh, the last day of April is filled with much hope. My beta is tomorrow for IUI #6 and I am still holding onto a tiny bit of hope that this might actually work. I had my post IUI follow up yesterday afternoon with the physician's assistant and she and my RE agree it's time to move on!! We have done the 6 IUI's that my insurance requires, although technically 2 were cancelled mid cycle (Nov for the polyp and Feb because I ovulated too early). If we get a negative beta tomorrow, I will start birth control for 2 weeks to "clean out" my system of al the previous meds and shrink any lurking cysts. Then my med cocktail will be 300 iu of Bravelle and 150 iu of Menopur for 4 days, then blood and ultrasound. At this point they will add in the Ganarelix to prevent me from ovulating on my own, and continue watching the follies grow. They expect in a woman of my age to have at least 10 mature follie to retrieve, although a good friend yesterday had 24! You go girl!!! They will take all of the follicles out through a quick surgery called the egg retrieval which I will be asleep for, because I heard it hurts like holy hell! They use a needle to aspirate the eggs through your vaginal walls....eww! They will have hubby's sample and fertilize the eggs right there in the dish and give us our fert report the next day, i.e. how many are growing and how they look. Dr P prefers a 3 day transfer back into the uterus although I think they can wait as long as 5 days. Then we wait...again....

I am both excited and scared, as this really gives us our best chances of making this work. Everything always looks good and still no baby, so hopefully if they force the eggs to fertilize then we will finally get our dream. The downside is ALOT more meds, a general anesthesia for egg retrieval, and possibly progesterone shots in the bum ever night, but this could actually finally be our answer!

I am still praying that tomorrow will be positive, but at least we have a plan in place if it's not meant to be this month! Here's to more needles and shots in the bum!

April 25th

     So, I haven't written much this cycle because I try to go by the "if you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all" way of life.  I am feeling so negative this cycle and like this is never going to work and the past 2 years have just been a colossal waste of time.  We are on IUI/injectable cycle #2 and like always, DH numbers were good.  I had 1 follie at 19.5 mm on CD 8 and a bunch of smaller follies at 11-12 mm. They even stimmed me for an extra day to see if those smaller ones would catch up.  This morning my boobs are sore, but I won't even begin to let myself think "this could be it" because I am tired of being disappointed every month.  We will be onto  IVF by early summer, which I am anxiously awaiting cause at least then we know the eggs got fertilized, which I think is the problem.  I am scared that my eggs and his "boys" just aren't compatible.  I know that we did achieve pregnancy once (July 07) but have not seen even positive since then.  I am getting tired of all the poking and prodding but CANNOT let my dream go without seeing it to the bitter end.  

     I never give up on anything, if I had then I never would have met S or known the wonderful life I know now.  If I let life beat me down, I would have been KO'd a loooong time ago.  I know that I am scared that I will never know the feeling of a flutter of a baby kicking or people asking when I am due.  I am scared and frustrated with this whole journey but know it may all be worth it in the end.  I need some sort of a sign that this whole experience was not in vain!

April 8th

So, another month another medicated cycle. Donna called from Dr P's office yesterday to give me the official "sorry, your not pregnant this month" which I already knew since I had gotten my period about 37 seconds after getting off the plane from Disney on Sunday night.  On MOnday morning I was supposed to go for a beta anyways, and it was the last thing I wanted to do knowing it would be negative anyhow.  But that is their protocol, so I went and bruised like a mo fo!  All of these blood draws are starting to make me look suspiciously like a IV drug user! People at work must be wondering...

     We are onto med cycle #6, my second with injectibles and I am just so ready to be pregnant successfully!  At this rate however, I know we will be onto IVF by the summer if this doesn't work which gives me my best chance at having a baby.  Here is to 5 more days of needles..and then another blood draw and u/s on Monday morning!  Send some baby dust my way?????

March 20th

So, this was our first cycle with injectible IUI meds and yesterday when I went for my CD 8 blood work after 5 days on Bravelle 75 units x 5 days, I already had a 19 mm follie on the L and a 17mm follie on the R.  They decided to trigger me last night for b2b IUI's this morning and tomorrow morning.  Things are on fast forward this cycle and I am feeling hopeful that this may work.  My beta will be April 6th and I am hoping to finally get the news I have been waiting for!  OMG..this is my chance to still have a baby in 2009!  Feeling cautiously optimistic!

March 7th

     So, we had a really good meeting with Dr P yesterday following this last cancelled cycle.  He talked to us about the reasons why we might have had the weirdo cycle. He thinks it's just one of those cycles that has no explanation..but he was positive that with the moving onto injectibles we will be able to better control everything about this next cycle including not allowing me to ovulate too early!  So our new plan is Bravelle (75 units) x 5 days with a baseline blood and ultrasound on CD 3.  When my lead follicle is 14 mm, they will add ganarelix to supress my body's urge to ovulate on it's own until they feel we are ready.  Then we will do b2b IUI's like every other cycle.  It's alot stronger medication cycle, and we increase our chances of concieving by quite a bit but also increase our chances of multiples.  

     

     It's kinda freaking S. out, but I am willing to do what I need to do to get this done.  Dr P. also warned us about the possibilty of having to switch mid cycle to an IVF cycle if we get too many follies, either that or cancel another cycle!!  That I won't do..I have already been cancelled twice and I want to avoid that happening again if I can possibly do that!  

      So here is to moving on, to bigger follicles, really good numbers for S. again this next cycle, and to finally making this dream a reality!!!

February 26th

So, another cycle cancelled mid cycle!  Yesterday was my 1st blood and ultrasound for this cycle and they found only 1 decent sized follie (16mm) on the L and another smaller one at about 12 mm. On the R side there wasn't anything measurable except a BIG ole cyst!!!  I was nervous all day for the office to call thinking they were gonna cancel my cycle just for the cyst alone since it was sizeable.  When Donna called they decided to cancel my cycle, not because of the cyst but because my blood work and hormone levels showed I already ovulated!!! WTF??  I already ovulated and it was only day 12???  So, my post IUI follow up is with Dr P on March 11th and we are moving onto injectibles for this next cycle.  I have had the suspicion that since we started this journey that it wasn't going to happen until we got at least to the injectible stage since NOTHING happens that easily for me..truth be told!  I didn't cry, I am just feeling a bit broken right now!  Onto cycle #5!!!

February 24th

Today is my birthday and I can think of no better gift that blood and u/s #1 of this cycle.  This is my last clomid/IUI cycle, which I am hoping will go by pretty fast!  I have thought in the back of my head since the beginning that it wouldn't happen on clomid and not happen until we get to the injectibles stage.  Just a gut feeling I have...although my other gut fear is that I will get preg this cycle and then miscarry and have to wait a few cycles to move onto injectibles!!  Yikes!  I am trying to stay positive, as my L ovary was trying to kick it's way out earlier today! Hoping for my b2b IUI's Fri and Sat or Sat and Sun?  Here's to cycle #3!!!

February 15th

So, Lizzie has made her monthly arrival as usual which means I can start Clomid tomorrow for try #3. I am hoping to make the month go by quickly so we can move onto injectibles and put these last few cycles behind us. Lizzie has chilled out ALOT since they took the polyp out..no more super bad cramps and I'm staying in only 1 pair of undies a day which is a feat for those of you who know me lately. Only a few more tries to get a baby in for 2009...here's to another good cycle and a hopefully successful one!

February 10th

So it's official..cycle #2 is also a bust! They can't say why things aren't working but truth be told they just aren't! I feel like my heart is just dead..although I don't think I can stand to take a break even though that is what my brain needs. OMG..the sress of this whole ordeal is gonna kill me! I hate today..I hate having to call and refill my meds with the fertility pharmacy!

Today sucks ass!!!!

February 5th

So, I am having "one of those days" today..my lower back hurts, I have cramps, and I am sure that Lizzie is right around the corner. I feel like I am going to jump out of my skin and I hope that if she plans on arriving iit is before my beta on Tuesday, I hate the phone call of "sorry this wasn't your month" and would rather avoid it! Grrrrrrr! I just want to be a Mom, is that too much to ask??????????

January 28th

So today was Day #2 of the b2b IUI's this cycle. S's numbers have been incredible this cycle..and I am feeling really hopeful. According to Dr P's office, I have a "textbook Clomid/IUI cycle" going that will hopefully end in a successful pregnancy. I will not let myself get too excited as Feb 10th(my beta draw) is still pretty far away. I just think if S's "boys" don't like any of the 5 eggs in there they might just be too damn picky for their own good? Here's to progesterone supplements 3 times a day, sore boobs and a nice vacation away from Lizzie!

January 25th

So, here we are home again after an amazing 7 night Disney cruise which was AWESOME!!!!! You cannot beat the Disney hospitality, their staff is so well trained they are getting you an extra towel before you even think/realize you need it. Cruising in a group was totally sweet as there was always someone to do something with...they even had a full movie theatre on board! But enough about that....

Today was u/s #1 for this cycle and the u/s tech saw 4 measurable follies, one on the L at 12mm and three on the R at 16mm,16mm,and 15mm!! My blood work showed the beginning of my LH surge, so they will do another u/s in the morning and then trigger me tomorrow night for IUI's on Tuesday and Wednesday. I am soo excited because the last cycle in November on CD 12 I had only 2 follies and they were both 12mm each...I got double the numbers and bigger follies on the same med regimen. Now to convince Sean's "boys" that those eggs are a nice place to settle in for 9 months.................

I will be a good mother..

from a friend who has a beautiful baby boy from IVF #2

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss, and though they are good mothers and love their children - I know that I will be better.I will be better not because of genetics or money, or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child, I have longed and waited, I have cried and prayed, I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to obtain their dreams, I will notice everything about my child, I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover, I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing I can comfort, hold and feed them, and that I am not waiting to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream, My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense, that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child, that my friends will not see.Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads to me, I will not be careless with my love.I will be a better mother for all that I have endured, I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment and I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.I have prevailed, I have succeeded, I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort, I see it, mourn it and join them in theirs.I listen.And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely, I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, or other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth, and when life is beyond hard, I have learned a compassion that only comes from walking in those shoes.I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

Jan 6th

Yesterday was my post op follow up after the polyp removal with Dr P.

Donna (his RN) took me in and said he was going to do a quick internal exam. When he came in, we talked about the ice that morning since Dr P also lives in Dedham and the ice seemed crazy here. BTW I hit a snobank at the end of our street, going slow luckily! I got dressed again and met him in his office, and he started to go over the procedure again and how happy he was with the results from the polyp removal. I asked him if the pictures were to scale and he said yes! So that 1 inch blob really was taking up that much room in there..holy cow! He also said all of Sean's test came back normal and he has high hopes for this cycle. We ordered my meds knowing Lizzie will probably be coming on the cruise with us and I will start Clomid again on CD 3. I left there actually feeling a bit hopeful, which I have not done in a really long time. All of the medical stuff is in order, now maybe our dreams will finally become a reality. I am ready,willing and hoping to make this happen in 2009!

Jan 3rd 2009!!!

Hard to believe it is already 2009! That being said, I am actually feeling hopeful for the first time in quite awhile. I'm not sure if it's the relief of the holidays being over, our next Clomid/IUI cycle being right around the corner, or maybe the meds finally kicked in? Who know, but I am sure that S is much happier when I am not constantly stressed out. I held ALOT of babies over the last few weeks, as old friends became parents and the sleep deprived ones are turning the corner on the first few months of baby-ing. I did good, I didn't cry and could feel happy for those around me who were having their turn. I know I will be a Mom, however it may be..but for now I will be the best auntie there could ever be.

On a side note, my post polyp surgery removal follow up is Monday with Dr P at BIVF. I am hoping that the pathology comes back clean and we will be ordering my meds for this cycle mid week. If it all figures out to my calculations I will get Lizzie while on the cruise :( but that also means I can start Clomid again on Day 3. Blood and ultrasounds prob around CD 12..and hopefully IUI's by month's end. I am hopeful that 2009 is our year..not just for us but for all of my friends (in real life and online). Someone on the nest says "2 lines in '09" and that's what I am sticking with.....