October 29th

OMG!! after about 9 zillion frantic phone calls and some "almost" tears, I was able to secure the delievery of my trigger shot of Ovudrel for tomorrow by UPS. When I was talking to Tricia yesterday I was worried about if they would give me the trigger shot in the office after my amazingly fertile IUI in the morning..and she sadi I should have gotten it with my box of meds a few weeks ago... WHAT???? I looked back through the box..and no freezer pack with said syringe in it!! So I called IVF, who wanted me to call my perscription people who told me it would be 2-3 ground with UPS!!! I almost died right then..but I stayed calm ( it's something new I'm trying..I know soooo not like my neurotic self). I called Donna the Rn back and explained, she sent a fax to Medco and the local fertility pharmacy...did you know there is a pharmacy chain that deals with fertility meds?..Enough meds that the first option on their menu is "If you are a fertility patient or a fertility doctor's office press 1". Village Pharmacy was able to ensure me that after talking with Donna at IVF and this Medco place that I would get my Ovudrel tomorrow come hell or high water! So, this leaves me anxious at what my ultrasound tomorrow might show..and the fact that it means I could be having my IUI this weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!! Holy Poop!

I have told myself not to get too excited for this 1st try, as I hear it doesn't "usually" work..but I'm hoping it's cause bad news travels faster than good news? Like you only hear when rd 1 doesn't work and not all the times it does?? I know I will be disappointed if it doesn't,,but that just means as long as Lizzie comes on time this month (ahem..listen up Lizzie..that means in 2 weeks if your not going on a nice loooong vacation...) then we can start again right away. So, I'm left feeling excited and a whole lotta scared today and hopefully filled with HUGE egg babies for tomorrow!! Yay!!

October 28th

So, my little egg babies are growing! We have 2 follicles both measuring 12 mm (they won't trigger me until the biggest eggs are at least 18 mm). So we wait now til Thursday when we will have another ultrasound and bloodwork hoping that the little eggos are "maturing". My hope is to be seeing the docs this weekend for some IUI action...but it all depends on these little egg babies... Anyone know any rain dances? :)

October 24th

Ok, so all day today I have been having this tiny pinching/cramping in my L lower abdomen, hoping it's cause my ovaries are filling up with nice little egg babies for my ultrasound on Monday morning..it's kinda like early period cramps. I never thought I would say I want to have cramps..but I'm hoping this is a good sign!!! Gooooo Comid!!

October 22nd

Well, tonight is my last dose of Clomid and then on Monday I will have blood drawn and an ultrasound so see how the baby eggs are doing...hopefully we will be hatching some next week and then the real fun begins....

October 19th

Well, it's official..I started Clomid last night. Right now 100 mg are floating around in my blood stream trying to"trick" my body into thinking that it doesn't make enough estrogen and that it needs waaaay more..hence the mutiple follicles and HUGE ovaries I have heard about.

Here's to Clomid/IUI cycle #1!!!

October 17th

This week is Infertility Awareness week and I am in the process of finding the "right" thread to make my own infertility awareness bracelet which you are supposed to wear on your right wrist to signify your journey. I can't find the right color thread..and it's making me crazy amongst other things!! My Lizzie finally reared her bloody head, and although she's trying to kill me I swear..it means Clomid starts tomorrow...Bring on the hot flashes!!!!

October 13th

This is a tear jerker..well for me at least..so be forewarned! But it hits me where I feel the most vulnerable and maybe that's why..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTWowu6Qa3s

October 12th

Where are you my little angel? I’ve prayed so hard you’d come,But so far you haven’t answered, It’s me again…YOUR MOM!I’ve wanted you for so long, I’ve prayed so many years,I’ve tried and tried to find you, I’ve cried so many tears.Are you somewhere close by waiting? Maybe even inside of me?Or are you still in heaven waiting until you’re meant to be?The questions are the hardest even though I know that God has a plan,I’m still a simple, childless woman who struggles to understand.It’s so very hard to be patient awaiting your arrival,But sometimes I feel that this has all become a game of survival.Maybe you’ll never get here or maybe you’ll be here before the year is through,Not knowing is the hardest, it leaves me wondering what to do.The roller coaster of emotions, the highs and the lows,I never know where I’ll be when the tears start to flow.My heart aches to love you, in fact it does already,My arms ache to hold you, my emotions are unsteady.So much love awaits you, so please let your journey begin,I keep watching for a sign from you time and time again.I guess God is waiting to send you to us, until His work is done,I know that you will help Him finish, you my special one.If God needs you a little longer, that’s alright with me,Just know we’ll be here waiting for you to complete our family.

By:
Jennifer Steen Kilpatrick
January 8, 2004

October 10th

So, the good word is that my progesterone is a whopping 3..and needs to be >1 in order to entice Lizzie into rearing her ugly, bloody head. I mean WTF..I used to have really low progesterone when the were watching my cycles at the Ob/GYNs office, sometime too low to trigger me to ovulate and now it's too high! I feel like during one of my many surgical procedures they may have switched my body with someone else's?? I do not know or own the body I live in..how frusterating..here's to a bloody w/e :( ewwwwwww, grody!



Girls, I'm going out to buy a big box of tampax and hoping for the best!

October 5th

"How much of human life is lost in waiting?"

~Waldo Ralph Emerson

Patience is a virtue so I've heard..not a virtue I have but one I would like to posess.

I feel the last year has been a HUGE test to see how hard my self inflicted patience training is going. There was the fall and subsequent heart surgery and the no baby and through all of that I remained as patient as I could muster up. I am tired of being patient now! We finally get the all clear to start meds..but guess what I gotta wait til day 3 of my period...which is taking it's dear sweet time to appear! Makes me wanna scream!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot remember a time in the last 18 months that I have looked forward to my period..but here I am anxious and she is nowhere to be seen! I hate "lizzie" and think she sucks..BIG TIME! File this blog under " 0 for Michelle, Patience 1"

Grrrrr.......

October 3rd

So, blog #1 on this "amazing" journey starts today. They say "there is no time like the present", I don't know who said it but they must not have been struggling to have a baby is my guess. This journey over the past year has brought up so much for me, weird feelings of hopelessness, fear, anxiety, depression and hopefully joy when it all works out as it's supposed to. We have finally gotten the green light to begin medication through the RE's office. For those of you who either haven't began trying to have kids or had an easy time getting pregnant, your Reproductive Endocrinologist is the gatekeeper on your path to infertility treatment. Dr P. has been very knowledgeable and matter of fact that if we want to have a baby, we can make this happen. I have always had something to blame not getting pregnant on, like the ankle fracture, or the heart defect but now with all of those fixed I am facing the biggest hurdle yet. I used to joke if Dr P. asked me to stand on my head with a clown hat on for 30 mins a day I would, now that the headstands are a reality, I'm scared shitless! If treatment isn't working I have no one/nothing else to blame and that scares me!

I have this great group of women right now, my Mind/Body ladies who understand all my fears because they have been there. I finally feel instead of being an "outcast form the easily pregnant peeps" that I am part of a super club of girls who are going to birth the next generation of world leaders! I look forward to meeting with the M/B gang every week to hear that everyone is doing well and that we have all made it another week on our journey to the golden child. Unfortunately our group time is coming to an end in a few weeks, and I hope that these ladies will continue to be a support system for me as my journey is just beginning.

Now for my hubby, he has been a rock through the past year when we have been faced with a few rolling hills that he has continued to push me beyond what I thought I could achieve on my own. For the first year of marriage, things are supposed to be hard, but this was a bit heavier than I imagined. Yet every night he looks at me with the same look in his eyes and tells me how much he loves me, through all my temper tantrums, broken body parts, and "woe is me" he still stands beside me. For this, I will be eternally grateful! Now for my "framily" that is all of my friends that have become my extended family, I love each and every one of you with my whole heart! You have always been by my side when I thought I couldn't take it anymore on my own. Everyone of you was there through 2 surgeries, and many heartbreaking phone calls when I thought I was just going to die from the stress and anxiety. You talked me through it and showed me what true friendship entails, I only hope I provide half as much to you as you all give to me. My Mom, Dad, and brother B have always been there, and I know they know they have my undying devotion.

We are in for a wild ride gang, in 18 months I have never been anxious to get "Lizzie--that's her code name" but Lizzie's arrival means the beginning of our first treatment cycle. I have heard good things (more eggs) and bad things (really freaking hormonal) about Clomid which will increase the number of follicles/eggs my body will produce which will hopefully ramp up my chance of conceiving every month. Then once they get all huge and ready to pop we will begin IUI (intra uterine insemination) where they take the sperm and eggs and put them in the "same room" and hope the sparks fly!!! I am scared but excited to start and now am mad that Lizzie is delaying her arrival time since I am not an airport. Actually maybe I am because it is time for Lizzie to take a nice loooong vacation and when she comes back Baby B will be pulling her hair and keeping her up all night too.

Here's to a successful Clomid/IUI #1!!