April 30th

Ahh, the last day of April is filled with much hope. My beta is tomorrow for IUI #6 and I am still holding onto a tiny bit of hope that this might actually work. I had my post IUI follow up yesterday afternoon with the physician's assistant and she and my RE agree it's time to move on!! We have done the 6 IUI's that my insurance requires, although technically 2 were cancelled mid cycle (Nov for the polyp and Feb because I ovulated too early). If we get a negative beta tomorrow, I will start birth control for 2 weeks to "clean out" my system of al the previous meds and shrink any lurking cysts. Then my med cocktail will be 300 iu of Bravelle and 150 iu of Menopur for 4 days, then blood and ultrasound. At this point they will add in the Ganarelix to prevent me from ovulating on my own, and continue watching the follies grow. They expect in a woman of my age to have at least 10 mature follie to retrieve, although a good friend yesterday had 24! You go girl!!! They will take all of the follicles out through a quick surgery called the egg retrieval which I will be asleep for, because I heard it hurts like holy hell! They use a needle to aspirate the eggs through your vaginal walls....eww! They will have hubby's sample and fertilize the eggs right there in the dish and give us our fert report the next day, i.e. how many are growing and how they look. Dr P prefers a 3 day transfer back into the uterus although I think they can wait as long as 5 days. Then we wait...again....

I am both excited and scared, as this really gives us our best chances of making this work. Everything always looks good and still no baby, so hopefully if they force the eggs to fertilize then we will finally get our dream. The downside is ALOT more meds, a general anesthesia for egg retrieval, and possibly progesterone shots in the bum ever night, but this could actually finally be our answer!

I am still praying that tomorrow will be positive, but at least we have a plan in place if it's not meant to be this month! Here's to more needles and shots in the bum!

April 25th

     So, I haven't written much this cycle because I try to go by the "if you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all" way of life.  I am feeling so negative this cycle and like this is never going to work and the past 2 years have just been a colossal waste of time.  We are on IUI/injectable cycle #2 and like always, DH numbers were good.  I had 1 follie at 19.5 mm on CD 8 and a bunch of smaller follies at 11-12 mm. They even stimmed me for an extra day to see if those smaller ones would catch up.  This morning my boobs are sore, but I won't even begin to let myself think "this could be it" because I am tired of being disappointed every month.  We will be onto  IVF by early summer, which I am anxiously awaiting cause at least then we know the eggs got fertilized, which I think is the problem.  I am scared that my eggs and his "boys" just aren't compatible.  I know that we did achieve pregnancy once (July 07) but have not seen even positive since then.  I am getting tired of all the poking and prodding but CANNOT let my dream go without seeing it to the bitter end.  

     I never give up on anything, if I had then I never would have met S or known the wonderful life I know now.  If I let life beat me down, I would have been KO'd a loooong time ago.  I know that I am scared that I will never know the feeling of a flutter of a baby kicking or people asking when I am due.  I am scared and frustrated with this whole journey but know it may all be worth it in the end.  I need some sort of a sign that this whole experience was not in vain!

April 8th

So, another month another medicated cycle. Donna called from Dr P's office yesterday to give me the official "sorry, your not pregnant this month" which I already knew since I had gotten my period about 37 seconds after getting off the plane from Disney on Sunday night.  On MOnday morning I was supposed to go for a beta anyways, and it was the last thing I wanted to do knowing it would be negative anyhow.  But that is their protocol, so I went and bruised like a mo fo!  All of these blood draws are starting to make me look suspiciously like a IV drug user! People at work must be wondering...

     We are onto med cycle #6, my second with injectibles and I am just so ready to be pregnant successfully!  At this rate however, I know we will be onto IVF by the summer if this doesn't work which gives me my best chance at having a baby.  Here is to 5 more days of needles..and then another blood draw and u/s on Monday morning!  Send some baby dust my way?????