December 29th

It has been awhile since I have written but with the holidays and all it has been a bit crazy! I had a very eye opening day yesterday, we had to attend the wake of a close friend's dad who I met this year when he had surgery at MGH. They have a very unique last name so I knew they had to be related somehow, and lo and behold it was Scott's dad. He told me how much he adored Sean when Scott was growing up and Sean frequently went to their house on Christmas Eve. We heard about a week ago that Mr. G. was in a coma after having a really bad bout with pneumonia and my heart hurt for the family, 3 days before Christmas Mr. G. passed away. I strive to make a difference in my patients lives if only for a kind word and understanding as they are facing a stressful situation. At the wake yesterday when being introduced to Mrs. G. I told her how I knew Mr. G. and she said he spoke so kindly about me and how I made his experience that day easier. I wanted to cry, first for the hurt that they must be feeling and for myself that someone who was so scared was comforted by my mere presence. It's my goal to make these patients a little less scared and feel like they matter the most to me while I am with them. I feel like I accomplished that with Mr. G!

I also had dinner with Sean's family yesterday and had a great conversation with Rebecca and Aunt Kathleen who were aware of our struggles of trying to get pregnant. They were both so caring and supportive that it was incredible! Rebecca promised that "your child will be so loved by this family. They will always know how hard you tried and how badly you wanted them." I know every parent loves their kids to the death, but I think I will feel so connected to this baby because I have given my all to make it happen. I am in a good place right now, I have been around babies galore this holiday and was actually able to enjoy it for the first time in a long time. I feel now that people know what we are going through, they understand and sympathize with us instead of bothering us with questions like "are you guys planning on having kids?" I know that someday Rebecca will be my other sister in law, I have known that since the day I met her. She is so caring and wonderful to be around that I see that a friendship is blossoming into something wonderful.

To my friends, I wish you all a very happy and blessed 2009. You have all been my rock for the past year and I will never forget it. You have seen me through many tears this year but also through the rain the rainbow looms. I know this will be our year..I just feel it!

December 18th

My heart hurts today..deep down inside it. Nothing has happened but somedays it just hits me that we may never be able to do this..which feels so overwhelming sometimes. I feel as though I may never be completely happy ever.

December 17th

What a weird day for me this year, as I was already at this time lying all doped up in the ER with a badly mangled L ankle and preparing for the surgery to fix it. All I could think last year at this time was " I would have been xx months pregnant if I didn't miscarry in Sept" and this ankle break would have been so much more awful. Fast forward 1 year and still no baby, and an ankle that hurts when it's too cold or rainy outside. Life is crazy!

December 12th

All's well that ends well or so they say! Surgery yesterday went very well, the polyp was almost an inch long and kinda looked like a cocktail weenie to me. I have no pain and minimal bleeding since yesterday. I am nauseous, but I think that's from the heavy duty antibiotics they gave me for the h. pylori infection in my stomach. I am hoping this will be the answer to our infertility woes and that our cycle in January will bring us a baby in 2009! I love you guys and am eternally grateful for all your support!

December 10th

Surgery is tomorrow morning at around 9 am..and I'm finally getting a bit nervous when I think about it! I am hoping that this may provide some answers as to why this is taking so freaking long!!!!! I never in a million,trillion years thought it would take this long, but I will fight it like I have fought everything..to the end. I don't know what the next few months will bring..but I hope more cycles and eventually a lil Brennan to bring home. I love you all for listening to me lately..you mean the world to me!

November 28th

Happy gobble gobble everyone!

Good news on the surgery front, we have a date! December 11th but unsure of the time since they do all the IVF people first. I will know for sure what time on December 9th, so please send good vibes this way! I talked to Dr P on the phone yesterday and he eluded to the fact that IUI #1 may not have worked because of the polyp, it's about 4-6 mm which isn't huge but if you consider that your uterus is like a deflated balloon, then yeah it is! He hopes that after the polyp removal, we will be able to cycle again the very next cycle..although that might be around cruise time :( so we will see. No need in getting stressed about January yet!

Here's to keeping the hope alive of becoming a mommy in 2009!!!

November 21st

We are officially on a break..they found the polyp this morning without even putting the saline in. Waiting for a call back from the RE's office to schedule the polyp removal and picking up a script for BCP tonight to make sure I don't ovulate..and flushing 2 days worth of clomid down the tubes. I am officially broken....

November 18th

So, Lizzie reared her ugly head yesterday morning which probably explains why Sunday and Monday I felt like I was jumping out of my skin!! My progesterone levls had to be dropping fast, as I don't know how high they got on all that prog. but it has to drop below 1 to trigger your period to arrive. I'm a little sad, but go my new set of dates for this cycle. My saline u/s is this Friday, so I will know then if we get to have an IUI this month or not

"The waiting is the hardest part..." Tom Petty

November 15th

So, it's official..cycle #1 is a negative :( I have to wait again until Lizzie shows her bloody head and then start Clomid cycle #2 with a wonderful saline u/s thrown in mid cycle to look for this possible uterine polyp which they may remove if they see it..hoping not since that cancels the IUI for that cycle. I feel broken today! :(

November 12th

Ok, so I have been good with no test cheating...but I am going insane knowing that a test "may" show a positive result now..even though it still may be too early, so maybe false negative! Ahhh...Sunday cannot come quick enough!

I am expecting it not to have worked as I have had some cramping and am as hormonally driven as I have been in a while! Here's to hoping!!!

November 6th

So, tomorrow is my very first affectionately titled WTF appointment with Dr P. This appt is basically to go over your whole cycle, sperm counts, follie size, etc to see what if anything we should tweak for next cycle. I guess my confusion lies in the fact that , they won;t draw my blood for the pregnancy test until the 16th...so who knows if I need another cycle??? Hope springs eternal and again, I'd love to have this work the first time!! Alas, this is where I will be tomorrow at 9 am...finding out my dread for next month. Just got my next dose of Clomid in the mail yesterday...I'd like to be able to flush them!!!!

TTFN!

November 4th

This progesterone supplement thing is for the birds..I feel like I have peed my pants several times today alone..nope just nastiness from the inserts! Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww..but if it works out..then I will deal! Here's to 12 weeks worth of pantyliners!!

November 1st

So, today was big day #1, we had our very first IUI this morning, followed by the same thing again tomorrow. Sean's sample looked good, and we went back an hour later and they checked me in brought in the tube with my name on it and put 2 million little swimmers right into the cocktail party whether they were dressed right or not. They said his numbers looked great, and I should expect a little cramping and spotting today and probably tomorrow. The cramping hasn't been too bad..except for like an hour ago when it was getting really bad and then I passed a HUGE clot. I got scared and called the answering service and the nurse called me back and said that was probably because they had a bit of trouble putting in the speculum (I have a back facing cervix..go figure like I need any more worries!). She said to only be concerned if it was soaking a pad an hour and then call back if I started a fever. The cramping slowed down again and is manageable now. She also hinted that the increased cramping could be a good sign that things are going well in there and not necessarily "to get the clot out" like I thought. They are so nice there, and I'm super comfortable there! I would love for you guys to NEVER know how this is..although I am still hoping for a miracle! Can someone blow some sunshine into my girly bits??? LOL

Here's to a few millions more sperm invited to the cocktail party tomorrow!!

October 29th

OMG!! after about 9 zillion frantic phone calls and some "almost" tears, I was able to secure the delievery of my trigger shot of Ovudrel for tomorrow by UPS. When I was talking to Tricia yesterday I was worried about if they would give me the trigger shot in the office after my amazingly fertile IUI in the morning..and she sadi I should have gotten it with my box of meds a few weeks ago... WHAT???? I looked back through the box..and no freezer pack with said syringe in it!! So I called IVF, who wanted me to call my perscription people who told me it would be 2-3 ground with UPS!!! I almost died right then..but I stayed calm ( it's something new I'm trying..I know soooo not like my neurotic self). I called Donna the Rn back and explained, she sent a fax to Medco and the local fertility pharmacy...did you know there is a pharmacy chain that deals with fertility meds?..Enough meds that the first option on their menu is "If you are a fertility patient or a fertility doctor's office press 1". Village Pharmacy was able to ensure me that after talking with Donna at IVF and this Medco place that I would get my Ovudrel tomorrow come hell or high water! So, this leaves me anxious at what my ultrasound tomorrow might show..and the fact that it means I could be having my IUI this weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!! Holy Poop!

I have told myself not to get too excited for this 1st try, as I hear it doesn't "usually" work..but I'm hoping it's cause bad news travels faster than good news? Like you only hear when rd 1 doesn't work and not all the times it does?? I know I will be disappointed if it doesn't,,but that just means as long as Lizzie comes on time this month (ahem..listen up Lizzie..that means in 2 weeks if your not going on a nice loooong vacation...) then we can start again right away. So, I'm left feeling excited and a whole lotta scared today and hopefully filled with HUGE egg babies for tomorrow!! Yay!!

October 28th

So, my little egg babies are growing! We have 2 follicles both measuring 12 mm (they won't trigger me until the biggest eggs are at least 18 mm). So we wait now til Thursday when we will have another ultrasound and bloodwork hoping that the little eggos are "maturing". My hope is to be seeing the docs this weekend for some IUI action...but it all depends on these little egg babies... Anyone know any rain dances? :)

October 24th

Ok, so all day today I have been having this tiny pinching/cramping in my L lower abdomen, hoping it's cause my ovaries are filling up with nice little egg babies for my ultrasound on Monday morning..it's kinda like early period cramps. I never thought I would say I want to have cramps..but I'm hoping this is a good sign!!! Gooooo Comid!!

October 22nd

Well, tonight is my last dose of Clomid and then on Monday I will have blood drawn and an ultrasound so see how the baby eggs are doing...hopefully we will be hatching some next week and then the real fun begins....

October 19th

Well, it's official..I started Clomid last night. Right now 100 mg are floating around in my blood stream trying to"trick" my body into thinking that it doesn't make enough estrogen and that it needs waaaay more..hence the mutiple follicles and HUGE ovaries I have heard about.

Here's to Clomid/IUI cycle #1!!!

October 17th

This week is Infertility Awareness week and I am in the process of finding the "right" thread to make my own infertility awareness bracelet which you are supposed to wear on your right wrist to signify your journey. I can't find the right color thread..and it's making me crazy amongst other things!! My Lizzie finally reared her bloody head, and although she's trying to kill me I swear..it means Clomid starts tomorrow...Bring on the hot flashes!!!!

October 13th

This is a tear jerker..well for me at least..so be forewarned! But it hits me where I feel the most vulnerable and maybe that's why..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTWowu6Qa3s

October 12th

Where are you my little angel? I’ve prayed so hard you’d come,But so far you haven’t answered, It’s me again…YOUR MOM!I’ve wanted you for so long, I’ve prayed so many years,I’ve tried and tried to find you, I’ve cried so many tears.Are you somewhere close by waiting? Maybe even inside of me?Or are you still in heaven waiting until you’re meant to be?The questions are the hardest even though I know that God has a plan,I’m still a simple, childless woman who struggles to understand.It’s so very hard to be patient awaiting your arrival,But sometimes I feel that this has all become a game of survival.Maybe you’ll never get here or maybe you’ll be here before the year is through,Not knowing is the hardest, it leaves me wondering what to do.The roller coaster of emotions, the highs and the lows,I never know where I’ll be when the tears start to flow.My heart aches to love you, in fact it does already,My arms ache to hold you, my emotions are unsteady.So much love awaits you, so please let your journey begin,I keep watching for a sign from you time and time again.I guess God is waiting to send you to us, until His work is done,I know that you will help Him finish, you my special one.If God needs you a little longer, that’s alright with me,Just know we’ll be here waiting for you to complete our family.

By:
Jennifer Steen Kilpatrick
January 8, 2004

October 10th

So, the good word is that my progesterone is a whopping 3..and needs to be >1 in order to entice Lizzie into rearing her ugly, bloody head. I mean WTF..I used to have really low progesterone when the were watching my cycles at the Ob/GYNs office, sometime too low to trigger me to ovulate and now it's too high! I feel like during one of my many surgical procedures they may have switched my body with someone else's?? I do not know or own the body I live in..how frusterating..here's to a bloody w/e :( ewwwwwww, grody!



Girls, I'm going out to buy a big box of tampax and hoping for the best!

October 5th

"How much of human life is lost in waiting?"

~Waldo Ralph Emerson

Patience is a virtue so I've heard..not a virtue I have but one I would like to posess.

I feel the last year has been a HUGE test to see how hard my self inflicted patience training is going. There was the fall and subsequent heart surgery and the no baby and through all of that I remained as patient as I could muster up. I am tired of being patient now! We finally get the all clear to start meds..but guess what I gotta wait til day 3 of my period...which is taking it's dear sweet time to appear! Makes me wanna scream!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot remember a time in the last 18 months that I have looked forward to my period..but here I am anxious and she is nowhere to be seen! I hate "lizzie" and think she sucks..BIG TIME! File this blog under " 0 for Michelle, Patience 1"

Grrrrr.......

October 3rd

So, blog #1 on this "amazing" journey starts today. They say "there is no time like the present", I don't know who said it but they must not have been struggling to have a baby is my guess. This journey over the past year has brought up so much for me, weird feelings of hopelessness, fear, anxiety, depression and hopefully joy when it all works out as it's supposed to. We have finally gotten the green light to begin medication through the RE's office. For those of you who either haven't began trying to have kids or had an easy time getting pregnant, your Reproductive Endocrinologist is the gatekeeper on your path to infertility treatment. Dr P. has been very knowledgeable and matter of fact that if we want to have a baby, we can make this happen. I have always had something to blame not getting pregnant on, like the ankle fracture, or the heart defect but now with all of those fixed I am facing the biggest hurdle yet. I used to joke if Dr P. asked me to stand on my head with a clown hat on for 30 mins a day I would, now that the headstands are a reality, I'm scared shitless! If treatment isn't working I have no one/nothing else to blame and that scares me!

I have this great group of women right now, my Mind/Body ladies who understand all my fears because they have been there. I finally feel instead of being an "outcast form the easily pregnant peeps" that I am part of a super club of girls who are going to birth the next generation of world leaders! I look forward to meeting with the M/B gang every week to hear that everyone is doing well and that we have all made it another week on our journey to the golden child. Unfortunately our group time is coming to an end in a few weeks, and I hope that these ladies will continue to be a support system for me as my journey is just beginning.

Now for my hubby, he has been a rock through the past year when we have been faced with a few rolling hills that he has continued to push me beyond what I thought I could achieve on my own. For the first year of marriage, things are supposed to be hard, but this was a bit heavier than I imagined. Yet every night he looks at me with the same look in his eyes and tells me how much he loves me, through all my temper tantrums, broken body parts, and "woe is me" he still stands beside me. For this, I will be eternally grateful! Now for my "framily" that is all of my friends that have become my extended family, I love each and every one of you with my whole heart! You have always been by my side when I thought I couldn't take it anymore on my own. Everyone of you was there through 2 surgeries, and many heartbreaking phone calls when I thought I was just going to die from the stress and anxiety. You talked me through it and showed me what true friendship entails, I only hope I provide half as much to you as you all give to me. My Mom, Dad, and brother B have always been there, and I know they know they have my undying devotion.

We are in for a wild ride gang, in 18 months I have never been anxious to get "Lizzie--that's her code name" but Lizzie's arrival means the beginning of our first treatment cycle. I have heard good things (more eggs) and bad things (really freaking hormonal) about Clomid which will increase the number of follicles/eggs my body will produce which will hopefully ramp up my chance of conceiving every month. Then once they get all huge and ready to pop we will begin IUI (intra uterine insemination) where they take the sperm and eggs and put them in the "same room" and hope the sparks fly!!! I am scared but excited to start and now am mad that Lizzie is delaying her arrival time since I am not an airport. Actually maybe I am because it is time for Lizzie to take a nice loooong vacation and when she comes back Baby B will be pulling her hair and keeping her up all night too.

Here's to a successful Clomid/IUI #1!!