May 11th

Yesterday was Mom's Day. This journey which I thought would be a short one has turned into the fight for my life. I never thought I would so desperately want something that seems unattainable most days. Everywhere we went yesterday, we were greeted with a "Happy Mother's Day" which seems harmless but tore the hole in my heart bigger every time. This journey eats u to your very core and makes you question every single decision I have ever made, like should I have had kids or tried to 10 years ago when I defiantly wasn't ready as maybe that was "my time". I am terrified at the thought of never seeing S. hold his baby in his arms and that I may never know the joy of a baby kicking and laughing because it feels like butterflies at first. I am back to crying more because with the switch to IVF I feel this is my last chance to do this, even though I know we still have a long way to go.

Anyhow, sorry for all the negativity as that is how I have been feeling lately! I actually came on to tell you about the one thing I had to look forward to on Mother's day which was our Secret Angel Exchange with the lovely ladies on thebump.com which I lurk in mostly but feel brave every once in awhile. This is a message board filled with some of the strongest women I have ever "met" who constantly offer support to others amidst their own search for motherhood. Tarah set it up and we all got an angel buddy and planned to open our packages on Mother's Day. It was amazing to know that someone who I have never met, thought about what we were going through and picked something while thinking of me..funnier yet her name is also Michelle! Anyhow, Michelle the Angel of Hope is a perfect addition to my ever growing Willow Tree Angel collection and something that will hopefully be my courage when I feel I have none. The ladies on the Bump, although I don't post much I feel as though I know many of you through your posts and stories and you are some of the most "real" women I know. Thank you for even letting me be a small part of your online group! That's my angel from Chelle is there up top...she is grogeous and thank you so much Michelle!