April 25th

     So, I haven't written much this cycle because I try to go by the "if you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all" way of life.  I am feeling so negative this cycle and like this is never going to work and the past 2 years have just been a colossal waste of time.  We are on IUI/injectable cycle #2 and like always, DH numbers were good.  I had 1 follie at 19.5 mm on CD 8 and a bunch of smaller follies at 11-12 mm. They even stimmed me for an extra day to see if those smaller ones would catch up.  This morning my boobs are sore, but I won't even begin to let myself think "this could be it" because I am tired of being disappointed every month.  We will be onto  IVF by early summer, which I am anxiously awaiting cause at least then we know the eggs got fertilized, which I think is the problem.  I am scared that my eggs and his "boys" just aren't compatible.  I know that we did achieve pregnancy once (July 07) but have not seen even positive since then.  I am getting tired of all the poking and prodding but CANNOT let my dream go without seeing it to the bitter end.  

     I never give up on anything, if I had then I never would have met S or known the wonderful life I know now.  If I let life beat me down, I would have been KO'd a loooong time ago.  I know that I am scared that I will never know the feeling of a flutter of a baby kicking or people asking when I am due.  I am scared and frustrated with this whole journey but know it may all be worth it in the end.  I need some sort of a sign that this whole experience was not in vain!